


No Returns

by GenKay



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Dark, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Triggers, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:33:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenKay/pseuds/GenKay
Summary: We all want to believe in the idea of redemption – in the notion that however bad things get, we might get a chance to fix things. But sometimes, it’s just too late.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AU after season 2. Warning: Dark fic. Character death. Unhappy ending. Do not read if you are triggered easily.

“This is Warden Deacon from LA Department of Corrections. Can I speak to a Mr. John Lawrence, father of Robert Keene?”

“Yeah, this is he.”

“Mr. Lawrence, I’m sorry to inform you that there was an incident in the facility last night. Robert Keene has passed away.”

**_“You are one to talk. When did you ever take responsibility for your actions?”_ **

**_“They want to try him as an adult.”_ **

**_“Please dad, you have to help me. I won’t make it in here.”_ **

“I… excuse me, I-I don’t understand. What about Robby?”

“There was an altercation last night among some inmates. It seems Keene was involved and he got killed. We need you to come down here and identify the body as soon as possible, please.”

* * *

Johnny couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Robby nervous. But he was nervous now. Hell, with all the fidgeting and pacing, he was downright panicking.

“That’s not the right way to go, Robby and you know it.” Johnny said as gently as he could. “I know LaRusso told you the same thing. You wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“I haven’t seen Mr. LaRusso. Not since that night.” Robby shook his head. “I can’t face him… not after what I-I did. I can’t…”

“Okay – but you know he’d tell you the same thing. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. I know you messed up. But the right thing to do now is to take responsibility for your actions.”

“You are one to talk.” Robby snapped back angrily, “When did you ever take responsibility for your actions? You’ve been running from your problems all your life, okay. You don’t get to lecture anyone about that.”

He was right and Johnny knew it. He didn’t have the moral high ground to make demands here. But it was the right thing to do and he had to make Robby see that. For once, he wished Daniel was here. LaRusso knew how to get through to Robby and he didn’t. He never could and didn’t have the stomach for another fight.

Apparently, neither did Robby. As soon as those words were out of his mouth, he sank back into the couch.

“Look, I’m not asking for much here.” Robby pleaded. “Just a couple of hundred dollars, okay? Or whatever you can spare. And I’ll be out of your life for good. You can take care of Miguel and Mr. LaRusso can go back to his family and no one will have to bother with me again. It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it?”

“Is that what you think? I never wanted any of this. I…”

Johnny trailed off. This wasn’t going to work. He could tell Robby about how desperately he wanted him in his life and how much he wanted to be a part of his but Robby wouldn’t believe him. Not after all the times he’d failed him. All that would do would be to remind Robby of all the reasons he shouldn’t trust Johnny.

“Look, you are right.” Time for a different approach. “I never took responsibility for my actions. I always ran away from my problems. And look where that has left me. You don’t want to end up like me, do you?”

He could see Robby get tense, like he was about to argue, but Robby said nothing. _Its working._

“Think this through. If you run, you’ll be running all your life. You’ll have to give up everything you know – everyone you care about. And I know it feels like they’d be better off without you right now, but that’s not true. Trust me, if you run, you’ll regret it one day. But if you stay…. I’ll be here with you. Every step of the way. We’ll figure this out together. Alright?”

Robby wanted to argue – Johnny could see that clearly. He was clenching his jaw, eyeing him skeptically – as if he wanted to call bullshit on Johnny’s offer. But for some reason, he just gave Johnny a shaky nod instead.

“Okay. okay.” Johnny wasn’t going to lose his son – not today, at least, “I’ll call the cops and we’ll go in together, alright? I’m with you here.”

* * *

“They want to try him as an adult.” Ben was a good lawyer – everyone said so. A little sleazy for Johnny’s taste but his track record spoke for itself. “The DA is under a lot of pressure – a lot of rich kids could’ve gotten hurt in that fight – and he’s looking to make an example of someone. And unfortunately for Robby….”

“I get it.” Johnny looked over at Robby. He looked scared – he always looked scared nowadays. _Of course, he is scared, you idiot. You’d be too if you were facing attempted murder charges. But he needs to believe everything will be alright. You need to convince him._ “So, what’s the plan here?”

“Well, I think we should proceed with the trial for now. If we put up a good fight, the DA might go for lesser charges. We can take our time, let tempers cool…” Ben gave them a moment to digest what he’d said and then went on, “I do have a plan here that might work. We can try to get the jury on our side by pointing out that Robby is being railroaded. He wasn’t the only one fighting that day – he wasn’t even the one who started it all. It’s not fair that Robby should get in trouble while others got off with a slap on the wrist.”

_That was true enough,_ Johnny thought. _Tory had been expelled and Hawk suspended, sure, but that was nothing compared to what Robby was facing. And no one had even looked twice at Samantha LaRusso._

“Of course, it’s risky. The jury might see it as making excuses for bad behavior – especially with Robby’s history.” Ben continued. “But I think it’s the best way forward. We establish that the other kid was equally at fault – that he was tormenting and bullying Robby and that made Robby snap.”

_Wait, what?_

“You are talking about going after Miguel?” Johnny balked.

“Of course. If we can establish….”

“No. No way in hell, okay?” It was hard to keep his temper in check. “Miguel isn’t the bully here, okay. There are no bullies – just kids who messed up because they weren’t taught right.” _Because I never taught them right._ “Miguel has already been through enough – we are not putting him through more.”

“Listen, Mr. Lawrence…”

“Does LaRusso know about this?” Johnny snapped. “Did he put you up to this?” Daniel didn’t seem like the type to go for a scheme like this, not from top of his moral high horse – but then, he had somehow managed to get the dojo’s rent raised.

“Mr. LaRusso pays the bills, but Robby is my client and I’m only concerned with his best interests.” Ben replied calmly. “And this is the way to win.”

“There is a difference between winning and winning the right way.” Johnny replied. “And this is just wrong.”

“I get that you want to do the right thing, Johnny, but what’s right may not be what’s right for Robby. You need to consider that as well.”

It was Kreese all over again. Bending the rules, cutting corners, lying, cheating, pulling whatever crap you have to to win – that’s what led them into this mess. And Johnny was not going down that road again.

“There is another option.” Ben sighed. “I’m told you have a personal relationship with the victim’s family? Maybe you can talk them, convince them to speak to the DA about leniency. That would mean a lot coming from the victim’s family.”

_Wouldn’t that be something_. Johnny saw Robby looking at him expectantly and shook his head. Carmen had barely relented enough to let him see Miguel and that was only because Miguel had begged her. She still wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. And Miguel… he hated Robby. Johnny couldn’t say he blamed the kid, not after what happened. Miguel could barely stomach the fact that Johnny was trying to help Robby in the first place.

“They wouldn’t go for it.”

“Maybe they can be persuaded.” Ben said gently. “I’m not saying that we should blame the kid in court – but if the kid’s mother thinks we will do that, she might be convinced to speak to the DA on our behalf. Just to protect her kid, y’know?”

“Her name is Carmen.” Johnny replied coldly. “And you are talking about blackmailing her.”

Ben shrugged.

“And I already told you – we are not pulling any shit like that.”

“Then there is just one option left.” Ben sighed. “You take the deal on the table and make the best of it.”

_Asshole. He deliberately kept that back when that should’ve been the first thing he told them._

“And you didn’t tell us about this before because…?”

“Because it’s a crappy deal. Its three years in prison. Prison, not juvie. Robby will have a hard time in there and this sentence will follow him for the rest of his life.”

_Is he trying to scare us?_ Johnny had friends who’d been to prison and they weren’t doing so bad. Sure they weren’t living their best lives but they did have their lives and families. And no one expected Robby to get away scot-free here anyway.

Ben saw the looks passing between Johnny and Robby and got up. “I’ll leave you to it then.” He said, packing up his briefcase. “You have the options and you know my recommendation. The rest is up to you.”

They sat silently for a while after Ben left, neither wanting to take the first step.

“Its not fair.” Robby said finally. “I wasn’t the only one fighting that day. I was even trying to stop the fight.”

“I know.”

“I know I deserve to be punished for what happened.” Robby’s voice was breaking. “but this… this isn’t… its not fair.”

“I know.” Johnny put his arm around Robby’s shoulders. “I know, but we’ll get through this.”

“Are you sure you can’t talk to Carmen? Or Miguel?” Robby pleaded. The, with a bit of accusation, “Or are you just afraid of pissing them off?”

Was he? Maybe he was. His own relationship with Miguel wasn’t exactly on solid ground right now and asking favors for Robby might just be the thing that breaks it. He had tried to bring it up and their reaction had told him all he needed to know. They were hurting and they wanted to see Robby punished – that was all there was to it.

But this wasn’t about them. Robby was scared and he was lashing out. Johnny was scared too, but couldn’t show that. He needed to be strong here, he needed to put up a brave front. For Robby’s sake.

“Look, I know it seems like the end, but trust me, its not.” Johnny squeezed his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “I wasted 30 years of my life and I’m still kicking, right? Three years is nothing. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Robby looked taken aback at that. “You don’t think I should fight it?”

“If you’d asked me a few weeks ago, I’d have told you to fight it to the bitter end.” He’d been a different man back then. And after everything that had happened… “But we both know that fighting isn’t always the right choice. Sometimes it just makes things worse. A lot worse.”

Robby nodded. Barely, but it was there and Johnny never felt prouder of his son. He grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

“It’ll be fine. You’ll see. Three years will go by in a flash. It might not even take that long. There are paroles and appeals and stuff like that, right? You’ll be out sooner than you know and I’ll be here waiting for you.”

He could feel Robby nod against his chest.

“You are a tough kid, okay? Way tougher than I ever was. You are a fighter. A survivor. And you are gonna make it through this, I promise.”

* * *

“I’m getting Cobra Kai back.” Johnny said, trying and failing to tone down his excitement. “Kreese is back to his old tricks. Abusing kids. They are starting to see what kind of man he is. Not all of them, but they can see.”

Robby shifted uncomfortably on the hard bench, never looking up. Johnny’s smile died. These visits weren’t easy for either of them – Robby looked more drawn and tired every time he came it killed him to know that he couldn’t do anything for his son in there. He’d hoped that some good news might cheer him up – but that was stupid. Robby had never really cared about Cobra Kai to begin with. He might be more interested in the other bit though.

“Daniel has been helping me with it.”

Robby looked up at that, confused. “You are running a dojo with Mr. LaRusso?”

“No – nothing like that. But he has been teaching me some stuff about being a better sensei.” Johnny’s smile was back. “You were right, you know. There is a lot we can learn from each-other. I just wish I’d given it a chance sooner.”

Robby smiled softly, whispering “good” before going back to examining his nails.

“He still wants to see you. Asks about it every time. Maybe you could…”

He could see Robby tense up as he stubbornly shook his head.

“You don’t need to punish the guy.”

“I’m not punishing him.” Robby replied, still looking down, “I just can’t face him. Not after how I let him down. Not after… after everything he did for me.”

Johnny could relate to that – the overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt. But still… seeing Daniel would make Robby feel better. Give him hope.

“You know he won’t hold that against you.” Johnny still didn’t exactly like LaRusso, but even he had to admit that the guy was merciful.

“That doesn’t make it any easier. Just…. How is Miguel?” Robby changed the subject.

Johnny sighed at that. He should be fighting harder to get Robby to see Daniel but a part of him actually liked being the only one Robby relied on. He wasn’t proud of it, but it did make him feel a little better to know that he was no longer competing with Daniel for Robby’s affections.

“Miguel’s better. Not all the way, obviously. He’s still stuck in a wheelchair and the doctors still don’t know when he’ll walk again. Or if he will.” Johnny could see guilt written all over Robby’s face. “But don’t worry about it, okay? He will walk again and he’ll forgive you.”

Robby nodded at that and Johnny wished he was as sure as he sounded. Truth was, Miguel showed no signs of relenting. Every time Johnny even brought up the subject, Miguel’s face turned hard and impassive. And his only reaction to hearing about Robby going to prison had been “Good. That’s better than he deserves.”

Carmen might end up being easier. Atleast she understood that the kids weren’t really the ones at fault here. As much as she was still pissed at Johnny, he knew a part of her felt sorry for Robby. If he could just get to her… No – that was no use. Carmen would never go behind Miguel’s back or against his wishes. But if she could convince Miguel to show some forgiveness, then maybe….

But none of it amounted to anything right now and false hope wasn’t going to help Robby. Besides, it was time to address the elephant in the room – the thing that Johnny had been avoiding ever since he got there.

“You wanna tell me about that?” He asked, lightly tapping his jaw.

It was true that Robby looked a little worse for the wear every time Johnny came. He was pale from being indoors all day and the dark circles around his eyes belied lack of sleep. He looked tired and worn out and scared all the time. But this was the first time he had a bruise on his jaw.

“It’s nothing.” Robby replied. “Just some assholes trying to show me who’s in charge.”

“Robby, you can’t be getting into fights here, kid.”

“I wasn’t… I didn’t…”

“You need to be on your best behavior. You need to show them that you’ve changed – that you can be better. They won’t let you out otherwise.”

Robby nodded. “Where are we on that? With the appeal?”

He’d hoped Robby wouldn’t ask about it. It was just another source of frustration for him. Ben had not been happy when he’d decided to take the plea deal. It affected his numbers, apparently. And he had pawned off the appeals to some other guy in their law firm – someone who was apparently “better at handling them”. But Johnny couldn’t even get in touch with the guy in person.

Ofcourse, Robby was disappointed to learn that.

“Robby, look – it’ll be fine.” Johnny tried to soften the blow, “A lot of people are still pissed off. So, appealing now won’t work. They tell me that we should give some time and let tempers cool off and we’d have a much better chance of getting your out.”

It was true – that the lawyers had told him so, atleast. Johnny didn’t believe a word of it, but there was no reason to get Robby down over it.

Unfortunately, Robby didn’t buy that either. He seemed to break down over the last bit.

“You have to hurry, okay.” Robby looked like he was about to cry. “Please dad, you have to help me. I won’t make it in here.”

The sudden change shook Johnny. He wanted to reach over and draw Robby closer, but physical contact wasn’t allowed during visitation. So, he settled for leaning in closer.

“Hey – what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Robby shook his head. “It’s this place. Its- its driving me crazy and every day is worse than the last.”

“Robby, I know it’s hard, but…”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know how hard it is.” Robby cried. “You said we were gonna be in this together, but we are not. You are out there with your friends and your students and your dojo and I’m in here losing my mind.”

Johnny looked around surreptitiously to see if anyone was watching and then reached out for Robby’s arm for comfort. But Robby pulled back like he’d been burned.

“Look, we talked about this. This is what we agreed to. I know it’s hard, but you are tough. You’ll make it through this. Just keep your head down and get through it, okay?”

“You think it’s easy listening to you talk about how great life is out there?”

“Hey, it’s not easy for me seeing you in here either.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be here anymore.” For a moment things seemed back to how they used to be. Back when the only things Robby felt for him were anger and hurt and disappointment. But just for a moment.

“I’m sorry, dad. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay.” It was okay. He wasn’t doing enough for Robby. Robby was paying for his sins and there was nothing he could do to make it better.

“It’s just – every time you come in here and tell me there is no way out, it just feels like I’m going to prison all over again. Maybe it’d be easier if you didn’t visit for a while.”

_No. No it won’t. You need people to be there for you. You don’t have to deal with this alone._

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You probably need to focus on your dojo anyway, right? You can’t be heading into that fight distracted.”

Johnny looked for any hint of anger or bitterness or jealousy in his tone. But there was none. All he saw was resignation.

“Right, but… it’ll be okay. I’m not giving up on you, alright? I’m still here for you. Any time you need me, you just need to call. Got it?”

* * *

It was a lie. It had to be. Some kind of sick joke. A prank. That was it. It had to be. Robby was getting back at him. Punishing him for staying away and he deserved it. ( _He asked me to stay away. So what? He is a kid. You should’ve known better_ ). But its alright. It’ll be over soon. He’d get there and everyone would laugh at him for panicking for no reason, but it’d all be worth it because Robby would be alive and he’d make it right and never leave his side again.

Johnny’s hands gripped the steering wheel tight enough to turn white. He could feel his nails digging into his palms. He was driving slower than usual, he realized. Ofcourse he was. Who’d be in a hurry to confirm that their son is dead. _Don’t be a pussy. He’s not dead – he can’t be. He’s just teaching you a lesson. He got someone to pretend to the be the warden on the phone. He’d just be there when you get there – looking at you with his infuriating, smug look but you won’t hold that against him. You’ll forgive him and you’ll make Miguel forgive him and everyone else too – just as long as he was still alive._

A passing semi blared its horn pulling Johnny from his thought. _Careful now. You don’t want to die before Robby has had his laugh, do you? Or maybe I do. That would show him. Turn the tables. Flip the script. That’d teach him to try and pull one over his old man._

Johnny shook his head, trying to clear out his jumbled thoughts. He had to focus. Think about how to make it up to Robby. How to make it right. This was a wake-up call ( _another one?_ ) and he had to figure out a way to be there for Robby from now on. Maybe he could commit a crime? Then they would be in prison together.

Ofcourse. It was so obvious. Johnny could kick himself for not thinking of it sooner. He was the one who deserved to be in prison anyway, not Robby. It need not be something big – maybe a B&E or robbery. Or drunk driving – God knew he had done that often enough. Just something that would land him in prison for long enough. Then he could be right beside Robby. In it together, like he’d promised. He could protect him.

He’d figure out the details later. After this joke had played out, he’d tell Robby and that would make Robby happy. _That’s right. Focus on the positive. It was all going to work out because there was no way Robby was actually gone. He is too young. It’s obviously a lie. A stupid, vindictive, hurtful lie._

Except, it wasn’t. The body on the slab didn’t look like Robby – not his Robby – but it was unmistakably him. His face looked peaceful – incongruently so. He’d never seen Robby look this peaceful, Johnny realized. He’d only ever seen anger or regret or sadness. There was nothing to read here but Johnny read it all the same. _You are too late,_ Robby seemed to say. _You failed me. Again._

Johnny couldn’t look at it. He couldn’t be there anymore. He had to get out. He turned to go when he heard the voice so sharp and clear that for a moment it seemed like it wasn’t coming from his own head. _Don’t you dare look away, dad._ It was Robby – not the one on the table, but the one in his own head. _Don’t run from your responsibilities. Isn’t that what you told me? You are responsible for this. So, look at me. See what you did._

And so, he saw. He took in every detail, as hard as it was. Robby was pale – paler than he’d been the last time Johnny had seen him. There was a bruise around his eye – blue and greenish – in sharp contrast to the pale skin. There was a cut on his lip with a bruise forming around that as well. And lower still – another one on his jaw. Not the same as the one he’d seen last time, Johnny realized. A newer one, but still, older than the others.

There was a gash on his neck – skin tissue parted showing the muscle underneath and dried blood flaking around it. But it didn’t look that deep and it didn’t look like it cut an artery. He could see another bruise starting at the collarbone and disappearing under the white sheet that covered the rest of the body. And finally, there was a small cut on his upper chest. It didn’t look like much but Johnny knew a stab wound when he saw one.

“Sir, we need confirmation.” The morgue attendant interrupted his thoughts. “Do you need another minute?”

“No – uh – its fine. Its him.” How the hell was he so composed on the outside when he was falling apart inside? “It’s Robby. It’s my son.”

“Okay…” The attendant scribbled something on the notepad before handing the papers to Johnny. “I need you to sign on the x’s. We can hold the body for two days while you make the funeral arrangements. If you lack the funds to do so or if you cannot do it in time, then the county will cremate him. Do you understand, sir?”

“Yes, but – no – you can’t have the funeral now. Right?”

“Would you like to opt for cremation?”

“No, that’s not- I mean – don’t you guys need the body for evidence?” His son was murdered, right? Didn’t that mean there had to be an investigation? Even if it happened in prison?

“Uh... no, actually.” The attendant replied, looking over his notes. “We’ve already performed the autopsy, determined the cause of death and taken any samples we might need. So, you are good to go.”

_Good to go?_ A part of Johnny was annoyed by the attendant’s casual indifference to it all. But then, that guy probably dealt with dead bodies every day. How was he supposed to know that this was the day Johnny’s world ended?

_Don’t act like you care now_ , he could hear Robby scoff. _This is what you wanted all along, isn’t it? Your screwup son out of the way so you can be with your real family?_

_No, it’s not. You know it’s not._

_Don’t lie to me, dad. Not now. You knew I was in trouble. I begged you to help me. I told you I wouldn’t make it. And you did NOTHING._

_I didn’t know it was this serious. You never told me – you said –_

_YOU SAW THE BRUISE. You knew I was playing it down. You knew I wasn’t telling you everything. You knew and you didn’t care enough to ask._

Johnny abruptly finished signing the papers and handed them over to the attendant. _I should go,_ he thought. But he didn’t want to leave yet. As much as he wanted to get the hell out of there, he didn’t want to leave Robby in the cold.

_Why not, dad? You left me a million times before. You left me to die in here. What difference does it make now?_

“What happened to him?” Johnny asked, grasping at the first excuse he could think of.

The attendant looked through his notes again. “Well, he has multiple contusions, consistent with blunt force trauma, but they don’t appear to be serious. He has cuts on his arms, which are defensive injuries. The most likely cause of death are the four stab wounds, one of which cut through an artery and another punctured his lung. That’s the most likely cause of death.”

_Don’t be fooled by all the jargon, dad. You know what he is talking about, don’t you? They beat the crap out of me, stabbed me and left me to bleed to death. Except, maybe, I just died choking on my own blood instead. Which do you think is better?_

Johnny felt sick. He wanted to throw up right then and there. He wanted to cry and yell and scream. He wanted to punch the stupid attendant until his head caved in. He wanted to fall apart and never be put back together again. _No. I owe Robby better than that. I don’t get to shut down right now. I need to feel the pain of every moment, like he did._ So instead, he reached out to touch him.

_Don’t. You don’t get to touch me. You don’t deserve that._

For once, Johnny ignored the voice. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear. And ran his fingers over the bruise. _It doesn’t feel like anything. It’s too cold, too clinical. It doesn’t feel like Robby at all._

“He wasn’t supposed to get into fights.” Johnny said out loud to no one in particular. “He was supposed to keep his head down. Just get through it.”

_Sure, dad. I’m the one at fault. Like always._

_No – that’s not what I –_

“Yeah, I guess.” The attendant replied, still looking through the notes. “He might just have survived had he just shut up and taken it. Not made any fuss. Shit like that happens, right?”

_Taken it? Taken what? Taken a beating? Abuse?_ Something in his tone struck Johnny as strange.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Johnny asked.

“Y’know…” The guys shrugged.

“No, I don’t. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh…” For once, the guy looked sympathetic. “It’s just how things work, okay. A good-looking kid like him, is a place full of violent criminals. Most of the guys here are no better than animals. Honestly, the kid should’ve never been here in the first place. I don’t care how bad he messed up – juvie was the right place for him.”

_Was he saying -? No! No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No-No. This was a lie. It had to be. Robby would’ve never let it happen. He was a fighter. He’d have fought back and he’d have –_

_I did fight back, dad. That’s why I ended up here. But I should’ve just kept my head down, right? I should’ve bent over. Spread my legs. Let everyone take a turn. That’s what you wanted from me right?_

_No – not this. Please, God, not like this._

_Seems pretty fitting. You screwed me over for Miguel, for your dojo, in the court. Death by getting screwed over – that’s the perfect end._

_No – I never… That was never… This wasn’t the whole story. There was more._

“Who did this to him?” Johnny asked.

“I’m just the attendant here. That’s way above my paygrade.”

“Who did this?” Johnny repeated, coldly.

“Honest to God – I don’t know.”

“THEN WHAT DO YOU KNOW?” Johnny yelled. The attendant jumped back in alarm, retreating towards the wall. Guess he was too used to dealing with angry family members because he already had his hand on the alarm bell before Johnny raised his hands and backed off.

“Look, I’m not going to hurt you.” Johnny said, more calmly. “Just tell me what you know.”

The attendant sighed, looking over his papers once again. “I can tell you that this wasn’t the first time. According to the records, there was another incident about a month back. Robby was admitted to the infirmary, but he didn’t name any names. Which was probably a smart thing to do, in here.”

“And you guys just shrugged it off? You didn’t think to protect him?”

“Well, the Warden tried. But without any names, there was only one thing he could do – solitary confinement. And some people say that that’s even worse.”

_A month ago,_ a voice whispered in his ear. _That was before the last time I saw him. Why wouldn’t he tell me? Why would he hide it from me? If I’d known, I’d have, I’d have…_

_You’d have done what, dad? Told me to take it like a man?_

_No – I’d have done something. I’d have gone to the lawyer and kicked his ass if he didn’t take your case seriously. I’d have gone to Miguel and Carmen and begged them on my knees to help you. I’d have…_

_If you cared about me, you’d have done that anyway._

“I guess he found some protection in the following weeks.” The attendant continued, “Or maybe people just lost interest for a while. There were no incidents until last night. I guess they must have thought that he asked the Warden for protection. Or maybe they were afraid that he’d rat them out this time. Either way, I think they didn’t want to take any chances. So that’s why…” he waved his hand at Robby’s body. “That’s all I can tell you. You’ll have to wait for the official investigation for the rest.”

This wasn’t right. None of this was right. Robby deserved better than this. A better father, a better mother, better friends. A better life. A better end than the cruel and violent one he got. _Get up,_ Johnny wanted to scream. _Get up and say it’s not over. Get up and tell me I’m a pathetic loser. That I’m a sorry excuse for a father. Yell at me, scream at me, hit me, kill me if you have to – but just get up. If nothing else, tell me who did this to you. Tell me so I can make them pay. I promise I’ll make them suffer a hundred times worse than what you have. Just give me a chance to make something right – anything. Just one more chance. Just get up and say something._

The Robby on the table said nothing, but the one in his mind had the answer ready.

_You know who is responsible for this. You locked me in with a pack of wild animals and you are surprised they tore me apart? You want payback? You want someone to blame? Start with yourself._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things fall apart in wake of tragedy. But maybe they weren't worth it in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a while since I've written anything and I'm feeling a bit rusty. Excuse any goof-ups here.

* * *

Johnny had been sitting in his car for over an hour, trying to work up the nerve. _Don’t put it off. Just get it over with. Like pulling a band-aid. Don’t be a pussy._

“You might as well be a pussy.” He could practically see Robby now sitting beside him. His face bruised and broken. That face was going to haunt him to the end of his days. “Mr. LaRusso is gonna blame you anyway.”

Shannon. He should’ve gone to her first. She was Robby’s mother and she deserved to be the first to know. But Johnny couldn’t face her – couldn’t make himself see her anger and heartbreak. She already hated him and this – this would just –

Well, not like he knew where she was anyways. He knew she’d gone to rehab somewhere ( _For Robby. She was trying to be better for Robby and now she was never going to get that chance. How many lives are you going to ruin?_ ) but he didn’t know where. Daniel would know, though. He may even be willing to break the news to her. So, it had to be Daniel first.

So, he finally knocked on the door and Amanda let him in. “I need to talk to Daniel… about Robby”, he told her. But then he realized that he had no idea how he was supposed to break the news. _Robby’s dead,_ is that what he was supposed to say? It seemed so callous, so shallow. Not enough to convey what it really meant. He hadn’t even said those words out loud yet, Johnny realized. He hadn’t even acknowledged them himself – as if he did that, if he crossed that line, it’d all be really real and there would be no going back.

“Yeah, that’s right. Don’t talk about it.” Robby scoffed. “That’ll bring me back to life.”

“Hey Johnny. You wanna talk about Robby?” LaRusso said, looking hopeful. “Does he want to see me?”

He always asked the same question every time. It was always the first thing he asked whenever they met. Johnny shook his head. _No, and he never will._

He looked around the room. The LaRussos were just done with lunch, apparently. His younger kid just bolted with his iPad thingy, barely giving Johnny a second look. Sam stayed behind, helping Amanda clear the dishes, pretending to be uninterested. But they were both within the earshot and clearly paying attention.

“Well, give him time, right?” Daniel said, more to himself than Johnny, trying not to show his disappointment. “He knows I don’t blame him for anything and he knows I’m sorry. Just keep telling him that I’m here for him – whenever he is ready, okay?”

Daniel still didn’t get it. Robby didn’t blame him – he never did. As far as Robby was concerned, Daniel could do no wrong. He blamed himself and was too ashamed to face him – but that concept seemed incomprehensible to Daniel. Robby had nothing to be ashamed of.

“So, I guess you want to talk about the appeal.” Daniel continued, sitting down at the table and inviting Johnny to do the same. “I know Ben has been dragging his feet and that’s not like him. I let him have it the other day and…”

“Robby’s gone.” Johnny said in a rush. _No, that wasn’t right. It made it sound like he had run away of something._ “He’s dead, I mean. He died last night. The prison called me this morning.”

There it was. No going back now. Sam and Amanda were staring at him, mouths open in shock and almost as pale as Robby had been on the table. Daniel continued to stared incredulously, blinking in disbelief.

“What?” Daniel half-laughed out the word. “No – no, this is obviously a mistake, okay? Trust me. I know the Warden. I talked to him personally about keeping an eye out for Robby. Just let me call him and we’ll clear this up right away.”

Daniel was up and dialing on his phone before Johnny could say anything else.

“It’s not a mistake, LaRusso.” Johnny continued. “I-I just came back from prison. They called me to identify the body. It’s him. It’s really him.”

“Johnny, I swear to God, if you are messing with me…” Daniel blinked hard, trying to keep his tears at bay. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “How could this - what did – what happened?”

_Good-looking kid in prison with violent criminals. What did you expect?_

“Some inmates attacked him last night.” Johnny said instead. “They ra-” No. He couldn’t say the word. He wasn’t ready to face that and it wouldn’t be fair to put that on LaRusso. “- assaulted him and – uh – stabbed him after. A guard found Robby a few hours later.”

“Just stabbed, right? So he can still make it.” Daniel was grasping at straws now. “Don’t worry. We’ll get the best doctors for him. We’ll figure out a way to fix this…”

“Daniel…” Johnny shook his head. “It’s too late.”

The room was dead quiet after that, the silence only broken by Daniel’s heavy breathing and the sound of Sam crying. LaRusso kept looking at Johnny and his phone and then Johnny again, clearly trying to think of something, someone to call to make it right. To fix it all. But there was no one to call here. Suddenly, he seemed to remember his daughter’s presence there.

“Sam, go to your room.” Daniel said, sternly. “Amanda, take her inside.”

Amanda firmly shook her head. She had one hand covering her mouth and the other wrapped protectively around Sam, her eyes still wide with shock. But she wasn’t going to run from this, Johnny could see that.

“Amanda…” Daniel began.

“Daniel, No!” Amanda cut him off firmly.

_He just wants to protect his daughter,_ Johnny thought. _He just wants to shield her from the pain._

“Ofcourse, he does.” Robby cut in. “That’s what dads are supposed to do, right? Protect their kids no matter what? If only you had cared enough to do the same.”

Daniel sat back down, defeated. Looking lost and confused about what to do next. _He really cares about Robby,_ Johnny thought. Ofcourse, he knew that already, in his mind, but he’d never truly realized how much.

“He cared about me more than you ever did.” Robby said, accusingly. “He did more for me than you ever could. If you hadn’t been a selfish asshole and kept him from me, then I might be still alive.”

_No, that’s not true. You told me that you didn’t want to…_

“But it wasn’t what I needed.” Robby yelled back. “I didn’t want to see him because I was afraid, but I still needed to. I needed to know that he’d forgiven me. You convinced me to turn myself in, to take the deal – so don’t bullshit that you couldn’t convince me to see Mr. LaRusso. He might’ve saved me. I might’ve told him what was happening to me because unlike you, I actually trusted him. He might’ve been able to do something. But no – you just had to be a selfish asshole, didn’t you? Just had to have me all to yourself. Just to feel like you were being a great dad for once in your life and to hell with what I actually needed. Well? You feel like a great dad now? You feel proud of yourself?”

“We’ll get them for this.” Daniel said, softly. Then in a more determined voice, “I’ll make sure they pay for it. I’ll find out who did this and…”

_Get who? Wasn’t it obvious who was really responsible here?_

“It’s my fault.” Johnny said, getting up. He couldn’t keep sitting anymore. “I put him there. I…”

“Johnny…” Daniel moved towards him, as if to comfort him, but Johnny moved away. He didn’t deserve to be comforted.

“I kept him from you.” Daniel looked taken aback at that. “I could’ve done more to convince him to see you. He might’ve told you what was going on. Hell, I could’ve forced him to see you if I wanted. If only I’d…”

Daniel pushed him. Hard. Johnny stumbled back, crashing into the wall and rattling the picture frames hanging there. He lost his footing and fell down to the floor, looking up at Daniel in shock. _LaRusso never struck first. Never._

“Daniel. Don’t…” Amanda shouted, leaving her crying daughter and moving restrain her husband.

“No – he’s right.” Daniel looked livid, angrier that Johnny had ever seen him. A tear escaped his right eye and he wiped it away in frustration. “I told you we should’ve fought the case. That’s what the lawyer advised. Robby could’ve gotten away with just community service. But you wanted to punish him. Get back at him for training with me.”

“Daniel, that’s not fair and you know it.” Amanda said, angrily. “You need to get a grip.”

“Not fair? And this is fair? What happened to Robby – is that fair? Robby’s dead, Amanda. Not just dead, he was murdered -” Daniel’s voice broke at the last word, too emotional to continue. He took a deep, steadying breath and turned back towards Johnny. “You know what – I don’t care what’s fair or who’s responsible. All I know is that I can’t look at you right now. I was trying to get along with you for Robby’s sake, but now there is no reason why I should tolerate your shit. **_So get the hell out of my house and stay away._** ”

Johnny stumbled back to his feet and practically ran out of there. Somehow, he managed to find the door through a haze of tears and through the courtyard back to where he had parked his car.

“Johnny! Johnny, wait!” It was Amanda, rushing after him. Johnny wiped his eyes before turning to face her. “He didn’t mean that. Daniel’s upset and he is taking it out on you and that’s a shitty thing to do – but he doesn’t mean it.”

He nodded. It wasn’t shitty, though. He deserved all that and worse.

“Look, just – we are here for you. And Robby.” Amanda continued, her voice almost breaking at his name. “We’ll help with the arrangements and if there is something you need…”

Shit. He’d forgotten all about that.

“Shannon.” Johnny said. “I haven’t told her yet. I don’t know how to get in touch with her.”

Amanda nodded. “We’ll handle it. We’ll tell her. Don’t worry about it.”

_Coward. Pussy. You should be the one to face that, instead of hiding behind the LaRussos._ Instead, he just nodded.

“And just – don’t let this change anything.”

Johnny stared at her. What was she talking about? His son was gone – ofcourse it was going to change everything.

“I mean – between you and Daniel.” Amanda corrected quickly. “Look, Robby wanted the two of you to put your past behind. He wanted you two getting along. So for his sake, don’t let this undo all the progress you’ve made.”

_You two could learn a lot from each-other._ If nothing else, that much was true. Robby had wanted this. Knowing he was getting along with LaRusso had been the only thing that had brought a smile to his face. Johnny nodded again.

“I _am_ sorry for your loss. And so is Daniel. He’s just – processing.” Amanda stroked his arm in a comforting gesture. “Just promise you’ll call when you need something. With the arrangements, I mean.”

“Sure.” Johnny replied. Then he awkwardly turned away and got into the car. Amanda gave him a painful sympathetic smile and went inside.

Half an hour later, Johnny found himself sitting in the parking lot of his dojo. But he couldn’t go in there. Not today. Maybe not ever. He was there for the mini-mart instead. There to buy a as much booze as he could afford and drink himself into oblivion.

“That’s what you always do, isn’t it? Numb the pain. Drink. Forget.” Robby looked hurt now. “Guess you want to forget me. Forget that I ever existed.”

_No. Not you. Never you. Just the fact that you are gone. Maybe, if I drink enough, I’ll forget that for a moment. Make the pain of losing you easier._

“You think you deserve that?” That anger was back. “I didn’t get to escape the pain. I had to feel every moment of it. Why should you get off easier?”

He won’t drink, Johnny swore to himself. Robby was right. It felt like someone was stabbing his chest from the inside out, clawing at his throat and choking him. And deserved to feel every bit of it. But he was here… and so were his students.

_Shit._

He’d turned off his phone outside LaRusso’s house after half a dozen missed calls and voice messages from Hawk. He was supposed to have a class today and no doubt they wanted to know where the hell he was. They were waiting for him, milling outside the closed doors, long after the class was already supposed to be over. And clearly, they noticed him in the parking lot because they’d started forming a line outside the dojo.

“Remember when you taught me to fight?” Robby asked. “I was what – four? Three? I was in pre-school and this kid was teasing me. You remember that?”

How could he forget? It was one of the better memories he had of being a father to Robby. And one of the worse ones as well.

“You gotta stand up for yourself, okay? You gotta punch the bully in his face, just like this.” He’d told Robby, showing him how to make a fist. “You don’t want to be a pussy, do you?”

“Like a cat?” Robby had asked, confused.

Johnny smiled at the memory. That had been embarrassing. But he had handled it. And the next day, Robby had come back with a bloody nose, a note from his teacher and a smile a mile wide. He’d felt so proud of the kid. _He’s a fighter, just like his dad._ For a while, he had let himself imagine a wonderful future for them. Teaching Robby karate (not like Kreese had taught him, but better), entering him into the tournament, Robby winning the trophy and hugging him and thanking him in a speech…

But then Shannon had ripped him a new one. _What the hell, Johnny? You want him to end up like you? A loser who keeps getting into fights? Don’t you care about his future at all?_

In the end, Johnny had been forced to take back his words. To tell Robby that it was wrong to get into fights and that he shouldn’t have done that. The hurt and confused look Robby had given him was still painful to remember. “But you told me to”, he’d said. And it wasn’t right. Robby hadn’t deserved to feel guilty for doing what Johnny had told him, for trying to make him proud. But that had been for the best – or so Johnny told himself.

“Maybe if you’d started teaching me then, I’d be strong enough.” Robby went on. “To defend myself.”

_No. No, Shannon had been right. I’d have messed up your life had I done that._

“Yeah? I guess you must really hate your students then.” Robby smirked. “Don’t give me that load of crap. You know what the real reason was.”

_I was tired, okay. I was just so tired of fighting with your mom all the time. I didn’t want this to be another thing we fought about._

“You didn’t want to fight for me, you mean.” Robby continued. “You fought for Miguel – you begged his mom to let you train him. You fought for Hawk and Tory and the rest. You got them all back from Kreese. Guess I was the only one you didn’t care enough to fight for. Or maybe you just thought I wasn’t worth it.”

_No. No. No. That’s not true. Not true. You were worth it. You were worth everything. And I did care. There was nothing I wanted more than to teach you. I just, I just…_

“Sensei, is everything okay?” Johnny was jerked out his thoughts by Hawk’s voice. He was leaning against the car window, looking concerned. “You’ve been just sitting here for fifteen minutes.”

“I’m fine.” Johnny replied hoarsely.

“Can we get to the class then?” Hawk asked, smiling uncertainly.

Class? How could he even ask that? Didn’t he know what had happened? _Ofcourse not. Why would he?_

For a moment, Johnny considered telling him – telling all of them. But Hawk still hated Robby. Johnny had gotten through to the kid on a lot of things – on Kreese’s way being destructive, on not resorting to violence, even on making things right with Miyagi-Do and his old friends. But this was one place where he hadn’t budged. Robby had hurt his friend and there was no punishment bad enough for it.

He wondered how Hawk would react to the news. Would he feel guilty about wishing Robby ill? Would he feel satisfied? Would he be happy? Would he enjoy hearing the details of Robby died? Would he smile and say “Good. He deserved that.”?

_I’ll kill him if he says that,_ Johnny thought. _I’ll get out of this car, grab him by his stupid hair and smash his head against the pavement until blood and bone and brain-matter comes spilling out._

Instead, he just said, “No class today. In fact, no more classes for now. Tell others.”

“B-but Sensei, we…” Hawk stammered. “W-we’ve been waiting for...”

“I said, no classes, okay?” Johnny said, more harshly. “Go tell others. Am I clear?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He started his car and drove away, leaving Hawk confused in the parking lot.

Johnny didn’t know where to go from there or what to do next. _I should get in touch with a funeral home, I suppose._ He didn’t want to leave Robby in the morgue for long. Not in that cold, clinically callous place.

“And what? Six feet under is going to be any better?”

He should go home, Johnny decided. He should go home and look through the yellow pages for a good funeral place. Or maybe look through the internet. That was a thing, right?

He hadn’t expected to see Miguel when he got back though. That was stupid – he should’ve expected that. Miguel was still confined to a wheelchair, healing a little too slowly. Carmen had moved them to a ground floor apartment to make things easier for him and Miguel hated being cooped up indoors. He was usually in the yard whenever Johnny got back, either talking to his mom or grandmother or friends or engrossed on his laptop. Johnny would’ve expected this, had he thought about it.

_I can’t. I can’t face them now,_ he thought. _I’ll say something I regret._ He kept his head down and tried walking back to his apartment as swiftly and quietly as possible. It didn’t work, Miguel had noticed him the moment his car had come into the parking lot. He could see Miguel waving to him out of the corner of his eye, but he ignored it. Miguel called out to him, but he pretended not to hear that either. He didn’t look up until he was safely behind the door of his apartment.

No doubt Miguel would be a little confused. Maybe even a little hurt. He could easily picture his face. But it didn’t matter. Miguel could survive being ignored for a bit. _Unlike Robby._ Johnny didn’t know what he’d say to them or how he’d even feel. And it was better to avoid them until he figured that out.

“Why? What does it matter now?” Robby said. “Go to them. They are your real family, right? Miguel is your real son – the one you really care about. Go to him. Tell him the good news. Have a good laugh about it.”

_No, it’s not like that. Miguel isn’t like that. Yes, I care for him – for them both – but that doesn’t mean I cared any less for you._

“How could you even say that after last week?”

Last week, yes, Carmen had finally forgiven him last week. Or more like finally let go of her anger towards him. She talked to him after he’d carried Miguel into the apartment from the car after his doctor’s visit.

“I know you really care about Miguel, Johnny. I really see that.” She had said. “I know I wasn’t fair to you before. Being a mother is hard, you know? And sometimes it’s not easy to figure out the lines – about being over-protective. I just wanted to tell you that I know you are here for my son and I really appreciate it.”

Johnny had nodded and accepted her apology/forgiveness.

“That was your chance.” Robby continued. “You could’ve asked her right then and there. To talk to the DA. To help you with the appeal. To get the process started. But you didn’t even think about me.”

_I did. I did think about asking her. But I was afraid. Afraid of pushing it, of testing the limits of her forgiveness. I thought I had time. I thought you’d be there longer. I didn’t know what was going to happen._

“No! You just thought that getting in good with your girlfriend was worth me spending a few more days in hell.” Robby spat venomously. “You knew I was miserable. You knew I was suffering. But you didn’t care enough to help me. Not if it risked pissing off your precious Miguel.”

Johnny let out a choked sob. _Stop. Please stop. I can’t take this anymore._

Someone was knocking at the door. A second knock, slightly more impatient than the first, Johnny realized. He knew who it was and ready or not, he had to face her. He took a deep breath, gathering himself and opened the door.

“Hey, you okay Johnny?” Carmen asked. “Miguel called but you didn’t answer.”

“Yeah – I-I was lost in thought. I wasn’t paying attention. Didn’t notice him.” An obvious lie. And a lame excuse on top of it. But Carmen seemed to accept it as he moved aside to let her in.

“Well, Miguel wanted to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight.” She continued, still looking a little concerned. “He saw some stupid video online of this guy doing karate from wheelchair and he can’t wait to show it to you. Now, I know what kind of crazy things are going through his head, but that’s not going to happen. And I need you to back me up on this, okay? Tell Miguel no more karate until he is better.”

Johnny didn’t reply. He couldn’t. How could he go on with his life as if nothing had happened. He had to tell her. He didn’t want to, but he had to.

“Are you sure everything is okay?” Carmen asked, more concerned now. “If you are not feeling up to it-”

“Robby’s dead.” The words were easier to get out this time. _They shouldn’t be. They should never get easier, ever._ “He died last night. In prison.”

Carmen stood there, speechless. Frozen. _What’s she thinking?_ Johnny wondered. Does she think Robby had it coming? That it was only a matter of time?

She must be, right? After all, she didn’t know Robby. Not really. To her Robby was just this violent kid who’d hurt her son. She probably thinks that Robby was still getting into fights in prison. That he brought it upon himself.

“You thought the same thing.” Robby said, snidely.

“He wasn’t getting into fights.” Johnny said out loud.

“I didn’t say -” Carmen tried to find her voice.

“But you were thinking it right? That he was still getting into fights in there and he had it coming?”

“No – Johnny -”

“Well, he wasn’t” Johnny insisted. “You have no idea how sorry he was. How guilty he felt for what happened. No idea…”

Carmen looked distraught. She put a comforting hand on his arm and that was the last straw. Words came tumbling out of Johnny’s mouth uncontrollably.

“He was trying to be **good.** ” Johnny almost shouted. “He was trying to keep his head down and get through it. They attacked him. Th-They r-raped him. My son. They raped my son. And when they were done with him, they stabbed him and left him there to bleed to death. He died alone. Scared. In pain. No one there with him. **He did not have that coming**.”

“I’m sorry, Johnny.” Carmen finally got the words out. “I’m so sorry.”

Dimly, Johnny realized that the words somehow felt ironic to him.

“Sorry? This is what you wanted, right?” Johnny jerked his arm away from her. “You wanted to see him punished for what he did to Miguel. You wanted to see him hurt. Well? Is this punishment enough for you?”

Carmen took a step back, hurt and scared. “I never wanted this.” She said. “Never in a million years.”

Johnny ignored her. “You talk a big game about forgiveness. About being the bigger person. Why couldn’t you do that for him? He was just a kid. He messed up, but he was just a kid. He deserved a break. If you had shown him some mercy – if you had talked to the DA or the judge -”

Carmen was shaking her head, eyes bright with tears. _You never asked me. I would have if you’d just asked. I would’ve. I would’ve._

_You are being an asshole, Johnny Lawrence,_ said a voice in his head. _Don’t put this on her. It’s on you. All of it. You are being an asshole and it’s unfair._

_So what? What did being fair ever get him? What did it ever get Robby? Fuck fair. Fuck nice. Robby never got any mercy. And people who didn’t show it to him didn’t deserve it either._

He was crying, Johnny realized. Tears he’d been holding back since the morning were finally coming out.

“I **am** sorry about Robby, I really am.” Carmen said. “But I won’t apologize for being there for my son.”

She’s still thinking about Miguel, Johnny realized. She is a mother and she’d always put him first, no matter what.

“And I won’t apologize for being there for mine either.”

Carmen looked confused. “What does that mean?”

“It means you can tell Miguel that I won’t be coming over for dinner.” Johnny replied. “I need to be alone with my son.”

For a moment, Carmen looked like she was about to argue, but instead she nodded and left without another word.

“Well, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Robby was leaning against the door. “You couldn’t have done that when I was still alive?”

Johnny broke down crying at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 coming soon. I'm hoping to finish this rather quickly. Its pretty hard to write.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grieving is a process, right? It's meant to make you feel better? But what if it doesn't?

Daniel gingerly stepped around the broken glass in the apartment, wrinkling his nose at the smell of beer practically choking the air.

“You okay, Johnny?” He asked.

“Don’t I look okay?” Johnny replied, not moving from the couch.

He didn’t. He knew he didn’t. Drawn and haggard, it must have made an incongruous look with the pressed black suit he had on. Not to mention the devastation around him.

He’d lasted three days – three meager days – before he’d broken down and gone out and bought alcohol. He just couldn’t take it anymore. So he’d bought beer and whiskey and anything else he could find and he had every intention of drinking into himself to death that very night. But then Robby had looked at him with contempt and said “You lasted longer than I thought you would.” – and he’d lost it. He’d started by smashing every bottle he had against the wall and once he was done with that, he went for everything else that wasn’t nailed down.

“I haven’t been drinking.” Johnny said, somewhat defensively. For some reason, it was important for Daniel to know that. “I almost did last night, but then, I didn’t. I haven’t had a drink since – since then.”

Daniel nodded. “Well, I have. More than a few. It helps me sleep.” Daniel looked at him painfully. “Helps me deal with what happened to him.”

Johnny had never wanted Daniel to find out about that – about how Robby died. He’d wanted to spare him that. But ofcourse, he should’ve known. Daniel was never one to let things lie. Ofcourse he just had to look through everything for himself.

“Have you been getting any sleep?”

“Some.” Johnny replied. That was true, mostly.

He couldn’t exactly sleep for long. Every time he got close, the nightmares started. Nightmares of Robby dying, scared, alone, screaming for help, begging Johnny to save him. But it was always Johnny holding the knife in those dreams, watching Robby as life drained out of him. He’d tried avoiding sleep altogether and lasted a while until he’d gotten too emotionally drained and exhausted to stay awake anymore. He’d fallen into a dreamless slumber and woken up fifteen hours later, feeling refreshed and, for a moment, ignorant of everything that had happened. And then it had all come crashing back.

“See how easy it is? Forgetting me?” Robby had said. “Soon enough, this is how it’ll be every day.”

“Don’t supposed you are planning on having any visitors?” Daniel said, trying to lighten the mood.

Johnny scoffed at that. He’d had visitors, alright. Well-wishers wanting to commiserate. His phone had started ringing with calls from his students within half an hour of Carmen leaving him alone. She must have told Miguel to leave him alone because he hadn’t come around – until next day, after Carmen had gone off to work. And since then, there had been a steady stream of students showing up at his doorstep.

And Johnny had ignored all of them. He’d sent all the calls to voicemail and then deleted those without listening. He’d shut of the lights, drawn the drapes and pointedly ignored all the knocking and yelling outside. The first time Miguel had shown up, he’d knocked and shouted for half an hour before giving up. Others had been even less patient. But Johnny couldn’t bring himself to open the door. Not now. Not while Robby stood there, silently judging him, waiting for him to make the wrong move.

Daniel had been the only one who’d managed to get him out. He’d showed up the next day with a sharp knock and an angry voice.

“Open up, Johnny. We need to start making arrangements.” He’d said. “Open up or I’m breaking this goddamn door down.”

Johnny had gotten up at that. Wallowing in his grief was fine for now, but this was about Robby. He couldn’t let him down again. So he’d gotten dressed, splashed some water on his face and headed out with Daniel. Miguel and Aisha were there, right behind Daniel, and they’d tried using this chance to talk to him. Tell him how sorry they were about Robby and that they were there for him. But Johnny had shrugged them off and walked away without so much as a backward glance.

“We should get going now.” Daniel said, finally. “We don’t want to be late for the funeral.”

Johnny nodded. “Shannon?” He asked, suddenly remembering, “She’ll be there?”

_Sorry for dumping that on you, by the way,_ he wanted to say.

Daniel nodded back.

“How did she take it?”

“You said you’d take care of him.” Daniel replied. Then seeing Johnny’s furrowed brow. “That’s what she kept saying. “You said you’d take care of him.” Nothing else.”

Daniel shook his head. “C’mon Johnny. It’s time to go.”

The ride to the church was quiet. Almost completely silent, except for Johnny asking about the photo and Robby’s friends.

“Don’t worry about it. Sam took care of it.” Daniel told him. “She knows who Robby likes – liked – and she made sure to invite them all. And she found a photo on her phone. We had to crop it but it’s a good one. Trust me.”

Like he had a choice. That had been just another one in a long list of his failures as a father. LaRusso had asked him if he had a picture of Robby for the funeral and he’d realize he didn’t. The most recent photo of Robby he’d had was from eight years, hanging on his fridge.

Worse, he’d realized he had nothing of Robby’s – no memento to hold on to or remember him by. Atleast when Carmen had cut him off, he’d had Miguel’s voicemail to listen to. He must have played it over and over a thousand times before Miguel had convinced his mother to relent and let him back in. But he had nothing of Robby’s – no photos, no texts, no emails, no voicemails – nothing. He couldn’t even go to Robby’s facepage thing to find something because he’d never bothered to send him a friend request.

“Why are you making a big deal of this?” Robby had mocked him. “It’s better this way, right? More convenient? It’d make it easier to forget me.”

But atleast the LaRussos had been as good as their word. They’d handled almost everything. Johnny had firmly rejected Daniel’s offer to pay for everything – that much he’d been stubborn about – but as far as arranging things went, he’d simply been along for the ride. Daniel had managed everything – or more precisely, Amanda had. She’d booked a great church for the service and Robby was going to be buried in the same cemetery as Johnny’s mom (and Mr. Miyagi, apparently). And later, they were all getting together at the LaRussos for the wake. That was good, Johnny told himself. That’s how it should be. His own house was a mess and Robby had barely spent any time there anyway. LaRusso’s was the place he’d been happiest in life. It was only fitting that that’s where his wake should be.

Johnny didn’t know what to make of the crowd at the church. There were more people there than he’d expected. He’d never thought of Robby as having that many friends – not after how everything had gone down. But there were a lot of kids here. On the other hand, there weren’t nearly enough. Robby deserved more – a lot more. He deserved enough friends that there shouldn’t be any standing room left. And not all the people here were his friends.

His old friends were there – Bobby, Jimmy. He had expected that. They barely knew Robby and they’d only met him couple of times when he was a kid, but they’d showed up all the same. Sid was there, which surprised Johnny. He didn’t like the guy and Sid had barely given Robby the time of day. But then, Sid did have a sense of family loyalty. Carmen was there as well, with her mother, looking at him sympathetically. _And after everything I said to her._ She didn’t hold it against him, Johnny realized and felt ashamed. He should apologize to her. He would. But later. Today was about Robby. A lot of other kids he was glad to see. The mouthy kid from Miyagi-Do. And a couple of others who had been his students before they quit and were now back again. And a lot of Cobras were there as well, he realized to his surprise. Hawk was there, for once his hair combed down to a semblance of normalcy. Aisha too, talking to Samantha in the corner. And Mitch and Red and Stingray. Why were they here? Johnny wondered. Were they really here for Robby? Did they regret how they’d treated him when he was alive? Death did have a way of changing one’s perspective, after all. And it comforted Johnny to know that people were willing to give Robby a chance in death atleast, even if they never gave him one in life.

But others who weren’t there were a comfort as well. For half a second, he’d expected to see Kreese there, feigning fatherly concern. But thankfully the old bastard had the good sense to stay away. Tory was absent as well, but then, she hadn’t come back to Cobra Kai with the others. But most importantly, Miguel was absent, which Johnny was oddly thankful for. Robby might’ve felt guilty about what had happened, but he still didn’t like Miguel very much and Miguel didn’t either. Him being there would’ve felt false somehow and Johnny was glad not to have to deal with that. And the one he needed to talk to right now was Shannon. He’d put it off long enough.

Shannon was sitting right up front, stiff and pale as a statue, her eyes fixed on the casket on the dais.

“Shannon, hey.” Johnny said awkwardly. He was determined not to fight her, not today. “How are you doing?”

She turned to look at him but it was like she didn’t see him at all. Her eyes were glassy and vacant and looked right through him. She turned her attention back to the casket.

“I just – I want you to know I am sorry.” Johnny said. “For everything. You can’t know how much.”

He’d expected her to be angry. To launch into a tirade, berating him right then and there. But she just looked annoyed.

“Shh.” She said. “They are starting soon.”

She’s high, Johnny realized. And drunk, judging by the faint whiff of mouthwash emanating from her. She was supposed to be getting clean but clearly that was over. Johnny could feel his temper rise. _Robby needs us both right now. He needs us both to be here – really here. And you couldn’t lay off the booze for even one day?_

“Don’t. Don’t say anything to her.” Robby looked hurt and sad. “Just let her be. She doesn’t deserve to suffer.”

Robby had loved his mother, Johnny needed to remember that. She had been the only parent he’d had for most of his life and as bad as she’d been of late, atleast she’d been there. Still, Robby deserved better from her.

“Robby wouldn’t have wanted this.” Johnny said. “I thought you were supposed to be getting clean. For Robby.”

She looked at him bemused.

“Robby’s gone, Johnny.” She said gently, as if explaining it to a slow child. “So it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.”

He couldn’t think of anything to say after that.

Thankfully, the sermon started soon after and Johnny was saved from talking any more. The priest prattled on hitting all the usual notes that Johnny was only half-listening to. “Taken too soon”, “with our Father above”, “a kind soul”, “the world made lesser”. It didn’t matter – none of it did. He was just reading it all from a handbook. There was nothing personal about it. Johnny wished he’d thought of getting Bobby to do it instead. _Another failure. Another letdown._ No – but that wouldn’t have mattered. Robby didn’t know Bobby. He wouldn’t have cared who gave the sermon. That would’ve been more for Johnny than Robby. Still, might’ve been nice to have someone who actually knew Robby up there.

“And who’s that? You?”

Johnny sat up with a start. Did he know Robby? He loved him but did he know him? Had he taken the time to get to know him in the brief time they had together?

Did Robby even believe in all the crap this guy was spewing? Was he religious? Did he believe in God? Or Gods? Did he think he was going to heaven as he was dying? Did the thought comfort him in his last moments? Or was he even more afraid of going to hell? Or did he just expect eternal nothingness?

What kind of music did he like? What kind of books? Did he even like reading or was he more like Johnny in that? And sports? He liked soccer, right? No – that was just a phase. He hadn’t played soccer since middle school. He liked skateboarding, for sure. He was always hanging out with those dirtbags. But those guys weren’t here and they were his friends, right? Did LaRusso just forget to invite them? Did they have a falling out with Robby?

What about other interests? He wasn’t that good at school, but it wasn’t because he was stupid – he was just not interested. But was there anything he did find interesting? He worked for LaRusso at his auto-shop, right? So was he into cars? That could’ve been something they bonded over. But maybe that was just a job for him. Did Robby have any dreams and hopes for the future? A vision of what he wanted to be when he grew up? Did he want to travel? He wanted to go on trips with his dad, right? But where? Road-trip? Camping? Did LaRusso take him on any trips?

How could he keep Robby’s memory alive when he barely had any memories to begin with?

“Why are you acting so surprised?” Robby said. “We’ve been through this already – if you cared, you’d have known all that shit.”

Johnny shifted in his seat uncomfortably and resisted the urge to bolt out of there. He was not going to fall apart – not in front of all these people. He was going to tough this out like he’d told Robby to. So he sat there until the sermon was finally over and people started getting up. Some made their way to the casket to pay their respects while others milled around him and Shannon offering condolences, but Johnny made his way through them, looking for a quiet place to catch his breath. He found one just outside the Church’s entrance and he sat there, trying not to cry.

_I’ll find everything out, I promise. I’ll talk to Shannon and I’ll take in every detail of your life. I’ll talk to LaRusso and Sam and even that mouthy kid from Miyagi-Do. Hell, I’ll even talk to those dirtbag friends of yours and beg them to tell me something about you. Anything. It doesn’t matter how bad it is, I’ll find out and I’ll love you for it._

He could hear some raised voices and someone approaching and Johnny retreated around the corner to avoid talking to anyone. It was Aisha, angrily dragging Hawk out by his arm.

“Could you NOT be an ass for just one day?” She hissed at him.

“What?” Hawk sounded nonplussed “What did I do?”

“How about not asking Sam if she knows how Robby died?”

Johnny frowned at that. _Was this a joke to Hawk? Atleast Aisha knew how to be respectful._

“Sorry.” Atleast Hawk seemed abashed. “I was just curious.”

“Well, shut it down.”

“Maybe we should just get out of here.” Hawk said, uncomfortably, “This all seems fucked up. We shouldn’t have come in the first place.”

Johnny could hear Aisha huff incredulously.

“It’s not like any of us liked the guy, right?” Hawk explained. “He was an asshole and being dead doesn’t make him any less of one. Seem jacked up, standing in there pretending to mourn for him.”

“Well, we are here for Sensei, not Robby, okay?” Aisha replied angrily. “We are here to help him through his grief.”

Johnny had heard enough.

“And who asked you to?” He said, stepping out.

They jumped, scared, at the sound of his voice. Hawk looked like he was about to piss himself, while Aisha quickly inserted himself between them.

“He didn’t mean that, Sensei.” She said, kicking Hawk in the leg. “Right? You didn’t mean it like that.”

“No. I’m really sorry, Sensei.” Hawk agreed. “I was just talking shit. I didn’t mean it.”

_Yes, you did._ But Johnny was more interested in Aisha right now.

“You think I need you, Ms. Robinson?” He asked. “That I just can’t cope without you here to support me? Is that what you think too, Hawk?”

“No, Sensei.” They both said in unison. A conditioned response from their training.

“Then why the hell are you here?”

They looked at each-other, unsure of how to answer.

“I – We are just here to support you, no matter what.” Aisha said, unsurely. “Even if you don’t need us, we are here for you.”

“Well this funeral is not about me. It’s about Robby. Do you get that?” Johnny said sternly. “It’s for people who loved _him._ Cared for _him._ So if you didn’t care for him, then you don’t belong here. In fact, I think you _should_ get out of here. Get in there, get all your other buddies just pretending to mourn and get out. Got it? Don’t be in there when I go back in.”

“But Sensei -” Aisha started.

“Get out!” Johnny growled in a voice that brooked no argument.

They couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. They turned around, shuffling their feet and heading inside again.

“And Eli.” Johnny called out. Hawk stopped in his tracks and turned around, surprised to be called by that name by Johnny. “Don’t come back to the dojo. Ever again. Got it? You are done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right. Almost at the end now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's important to find a way to move forward. Even if it's not the right way.

The next two weeks passed in a haze.

Johnny apologized to Carmen at the wake and she accepted it with kindness, as he knew she would. Miguel came by later with Sam and some other kids and helped him clean the place out. Well, the others did, while Miguel tried to distract him with pointless talk. That was almost too painful to bear. Miguel knew better than to bring Robby up or offer any empty words of comfort. None of it was going to make a difference and he understood that. So he had tried talking about other things to make Johnny feel better – except, Johnny didn’t want to feel better. In the end, he just asked Miguel to stay away for a while.

“Just give me some time to figure this out, okay?” He asked.

Miguel nodded.

“Don’t shut people out.” Daniel told him that evening. “I know it seems too hard to face life without Robby, but if you make this his fault – if you put that on him…”

Johnny agreed. Shutting himself in was not an option. He didn’t know how he was going to move forward, but that wasn’t an option.

He went to see Shannon the next day, to talk to her about staying with the program. Robby had loved his mother and he wouldn’t have wanted his death to be the thing that destroyed her.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Johnny.” Shannon insisted.

“It does matter. It has to.” Johnny replied. “Robby’s life has to have meaning. It has to mean _something_ that he was here with us. Doing what he’d have wanted us to do is how we can make it mean something. Otherwise – otherwise it’d be like we are killing him all over again.”

He must have gotten through to her because she went back to rehab the very next day. Maybe it’ll actually stick this time. Or maybe she’ll be back on booze within a month. _No, I won’t let that happen. I’ll get her clean as many times as it takes. That’s what Robby would’ve wanted._

Sid was a complete surprise. After last year, Johnny had thought that the man would be out of his life forever.

“Guess I should tell you about my will.” He said, never one to beat around the bush. “Look, kid, I know I’m not long for this world. And I don’t actually have anyone in my life. I made a lot of money and I don’t have anyone to leave it to. I thought about leaving it to my nurse – heh, that would show you, right? – but with the attitude she has, the bitch doesn’t deserve a penny over what I’m paying her. So congrats, you get to have it all once I kick it.”

_Really? After all this time? Is this his idea of making things right?_

“I don’t need your money, Sid. I never did.” Johnny replied. “Why don’t you just leave it to charity or something?”

“Are you nuts?” Sid scoffed. “I didn’t want to give the money to one bum in my life. Why would I give it to thousands? Look, I’m just putting my affairs in order here. The money will be yours whether you like it or not. Do what you like with it. Knowing you, you’ll probably drink it all and piss it down the toilet.”

Johnny couldn’t figure the guy out. Was he trying to be nice? Was this really his idea of being nice? And why now?

“You’ve been dying for ages and now you want to put your affairs in order?” He asked. “A few days after Robby? You expect me to believe that it’s all a coincidence?” 

“Never said it was. I’m not a loser like you, Johnny. I always take care of my own crap.” Sid replied. “I was going to leave everything to Robby. He was going to get it in form of a trust when he turned twenty-one. I had a will drawn up and everything – but I guess that plan went to the crapper. Now I have to start over.”

_Robby was going to get everything?_ Johnny shook his head in disbelief. That didn’t make any sense. Sid had never been a father to him and he’d been even less of a grandfather to Robby. He hadn’t even seen Robby since he was three years old.

“No, I saw him.” Sid replied. “He came to me a couple of years back. Guess money was tight. You were probably late on a couple of cheques. Or maybe that ex of yours drank it all. Heh. Anyway, he came to me for help.”

“He did?” Johnny never knew. “And you helped him?”

“Do I look like a sucker?” Sid said. “I told him to piss off. Supporting one loser in my life was bad enough, I didn’t want to add another one. But the kid had guts. Heh. More than his old man ever did. Told me that he wasn’t looking for a handout. That he was going to work for it and all he wanted from me was help finding a job. So I gave him one. Hired him to do chores around the house. Wasn’t much money – more than it was worth, though – but the kid sure worked hard for it. Didn’t bitch or moan about it like you used to. He was a real go-getter, I’ll give him that.”

“What happened?” Johnny was still trying to wrap his head around it. “I mean – after?”

“Nothing happened.” Sid replied. “Summer was over. School started and the kid couldn’t spend as much time at work. So I fired him. Told him I wasn’t running a charity.” Sid smiled at the memory. “But the kid impressed me. That’s all. Figured he could make something of his life. More than you ever did.”

Sid was not a good man. He was cruel and spiteful and vindictive. Even this was his roundabout way of putting Johnny down – rub his face in the fact that he’d been a shitty father to Robby all his life. Even so, Johnny had never loved the man more that in this moment. Nor had he ever been more grateful.

Others came went, a steady stream of well-wishers bringing endless food and platitudes. And Johnny could barely stomach either. His old friends, his students, even their parents – they all came one after the other. He mastered the art of just sitting there, half-listening, half-ignoring, nodding and grunting at appropriate intervals, tolerating their awkward pats on the arm and then thanking them for all the help after they were done bleating.

But none of it helped – none at all. How could it? They had no idea what he was going through. Him grieving for his son is something they understood and they said all the right things about that. “Focus on the good in his life”. “Keep his memory alive”. “Move forward”. “Life goes on.” None of that meaningless drivel could help him deal with the fact that he had killed his son. With the guilt of it. He didn’t want to feel better. He didn’t deserve to be comforted. How could they not see that? You never comfort a murderer over his victim, do you?

“It wasn’t your fault” – that was the worst one. The one that made him want to pull his hair out and put a few new holes in the wall. It _was_ his fault – all of it. How could they still not get it? Or did they get it and thought that denying it would somehow make it better?

One guy was stupider than the rest – probably one of the parents, Johnny wasn’t sure. He babbled on about fate and flow of the universe and it took Johnny a moment to understand what he was actually saying.

“It’s all about karma, man. You reap what you sow. It’s all about the flow of destiny and we all just had to accept it.”

Johnny physically threw the man out of his house after hearing that. He grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out of there, kicking him in the ass for good measure. He regretted that later – he should’ve found out whose parent it was so he could kick another student out of the dojo. Didn’t matter. He probably wouldn’t come back anyway.

The good thing was, after that, fewer people came over. And the narrative changed from “it’s not your fault” to “you have to move on”. That as almost as bad – he was never going to move on from Robby, never again – but it was better than before.

“I’m not telling you to move on, Johnny. God knows I never will.” Daniel said, taking another sip of his scotch. “But you have to find a way to move forward.”

LaRusso was drinking a lot more nowadays, Johnny noticed. It was funny how that worked. Maybe it was the booze talking because LaRusso sure as hell wasn’t making any sense.

“What’s the difference?” He asked.

“Just – find a way to move forward, while keeping Robby with you.”

More empty platitudes. “And how the hell am I supposed to do that?”

Daniel barked out a laugh, “I’ll let you know when I figure it out myself.”

Of all the people, Daniel probably came the closest to understanding where Johnny was coming from. He felt guilty too, he’d confessed to Johnny one day. He regretted losing his temper at Robby and not fighting for him hard enough. But it wasn’t the same – not even close. Atleast LaRusso had been a force for the positive in Robby’s life. He’d given him shelter when he’d needed it, he’d given him direction and a purpose. LaRusso could hold on to that at least, draw comfort from the fact that he had done more for Robby in his life than anyone else. Johnny didn’t even have that.

“I put up his picture on the wall today.” Daniel said.

“Yeah?” _That’s nice, I suppose. Like Robby was a member of the family. I should be doing that too._

“The Miyagi-Do Wall, I mean.” Daniel explained. “It’s this thing I have at home. Kind of a shrine to Miyagi-Do masters going back a hundred years all the way to Mr. Miyagi. Robby is part of that legacy now. He always will be.”

“Is that really okay?” Johnny asked, unsure. “I mean, Robby was never a teacher and he always felt like he failed Miyagi-Do.”

“He didn’t fail in my book.” Daniel replied. “And he taught me a few things too. I don’t think Mr. Miyagi would mind. I think he’d have appreciated Robby – what he was trying to do.”

That did comfort Johnny. Should he try to do the same? Bring in Robby’s image and his hopes into Cobra Kai when he started the dojo again? He could teach his students more about the Miyagi-Do philosophy through Robby. Would Robby appreciate that? Or would he see it as an insult to his memory? He’d never cared about Cobra Kai after all.

It was impossible, Johnny realized. He was looking for a path forward, but there were too many things pulling him in different directions. He desperately wanted to make things right but he knew that he’d lost his last chance to do so. All he could do now is settle for making things better. But how? Should he focus on the dojo, on helping the kids he still had left? Should he focus on Miguel? Should he focus on Robby’s memory? Should he focus on punishing himself like he deserved? No matter which path he thought of, he felt like he’d be letting someone down.

Johnny sighed, dumping the trash bag in the bin. He had to make a decision, he knew that. He couldn’t keep life on pause forever. He had time, if he needed it, he knew that as well. But nothing was going to change here. He had all the information he needed and all he needed now was the right direction.

Johnny saw Miguel in the yard on his way back to the apartment and stopped short. _I should talk to him_ , he thought. He’d left the kid hanging for way too long and that wasn’t fair. He’d seen Miguel look at him expectantly every time he crossed the yard, but Johnny hadn’t been ready then and disappointed as he was, Miguel had respected his wishes. It was time.

“Yeah – time to get back to your real son, right?” Robby said angrily. “Time to start forgetting me?”

No, that wasn’t what this was about. Johnny resolutely ignored him this time. Talking to Miguel had always helped him. Miguel had given him good advice in the past. And even when he hadn’t, talking to him had given him clarity. A clear vision of the way forward. He needed that nor more than ever.

“Sensei?” Miguel looked up, half-hopeful, half-wary as he approached.

“Hey, kid.” Johnny smiled at him. “Been a while since we talked.”

Miguel smiled back, shutting down his laptop and turning his wheelchair around to face him.

“So, how you been?” Johnny asked, grabbing a chair and sitting down across from him. “Anything new from the doctors?”

“Same thing as before.” Miguel shook his head. “Healing slowly. Give it time. Let nature take its course.”

Johnny nodded and they sat there in awkward silence for a while. They both knew what they had to talk about but neither had any idea how to broach the subject.

“Mom’s at work.” Miguel started off, on a tangent. “And yaya’s out shopping. So…”

Johnny didn’t say anything, still trying to figure out what he had to say here.

“Are you opening the dojo again soon?” Miguel tried a different angle.

“I – yeah. Maybe.” Johnny said, considering. “I still haven’t figured my shit out.”

“That’s okay, Sensei. You can take as long as you want. Just tell others you’ll come back eventually and they’ll wait for you as long as you need.”

Johnny smiled at that. He had to get back to work eventually. The money he had saved up wouldn’t last forever and who knew how long Sid would take to die.

“I-I heard what happened at the funeral.” Miguel hesitated. “Hawk was pretty freaked out about it. You’re not really gonna kick him out, right? You’ll forgive him?”

Johnny wasn’t so sure.

“Do you know what he said? About Robby?”

“He’s a dumbass, Sensei. And he can be a real asshole sometimes. I’m not defending that.” Miguel said. “But that’s why he needs you. To set him straight. Guess we all need you for that.”

Johnny considered that. He’d brought all these kinds into it after all. Maybe he did owe them. But why did it feel so wrong?

“I’ll think about it.” He said. That was the best he could do for the moment.

They fell back into silence once again, until Miguel spoke up in a rush.

“Sensei, do you blame me for what happened to Robby?”

“No.” Johnny replied, immediately. _Why would he even ask that?_

“Because mom told me what happened to Robby. A-and what you said to her.”

“What did she tell you about Robby?” A chill went through Johnny.

“Only that he was trying to be better.” Miguel replied, hesitating. “That he was just trying to get through without getting into fights and people just wouldn’t leave him alone. That thy attacked him and killed him for no good reason.”

Johnny was relieved. It was all true, sure, but he was glad that Carmen had spared Miguel the gory details. The kid didn’t need that on his conscience. He deserved better.

“Why?” Robby said. “If I deserved to go through that, the least he deserves is to hear about it. Go on, tell him. Maybe he’ll actually enjoy hearing about it.”

Johnny clenched his jaw and kept ignoring Robby.

“A-and, you know, you were right.” Miguel continued. “Everyone keeps talking about forgiveness and being the bigger person and I get that. I wanted to be that guy. So if I had just been the bigger person, maybe Robby wouldn’t have died?”

Johnny shook his head.

“No – that’s not true, Miguel.” He said, comfortingly, “Listen to me – no one blames you for this. Robby hurt you, okay, and you are entitled to your anger. No one would hold that against you – least of all Robby.”

Miguel nodded, hesitating, unsure of whether to believe him.

“He asked about you every time I visited him.” Johnny continued. “He felt bad about it and he wanted you to get better, but he didn’t say anything about you being unfair to him, okay? Not even once.”

Miguel swallowed a lump in his throat and Johnny felt bad for avoiding him for this long. _Has the kid been blaming himself all this time?_

“Miguel, the truth is, I should’ve fought harder for Robby. So it’s all on me. No-” He held up his finger as Miguel looked to interrupt. “- Don’t say it’s not my fault. He was my son. My responsibility. I should’ve fought like hell to keep him out of that place. Done anything I had to. And I failed him.”

“You thought you were doing the right thing.” Miguel said, miserably.

“I did, yeah. But that’s what’s so messed up.” Johnny replied. “The “right thing” was more important to me than Robby, when protecting Robby should’ve been the only right thing I should’ve thought of. That’s what your mom would’ve done for you, right?”

Miguel nodded and Johnny hoped this would be the end of it. He couldn’t take much more of people telling him that he wasn’t to blame.

“It’s not just that, though.” Miguel continued. “Maybe I wish I could’ve done something sooner. Before it all went to shit.”

Johnny looked at him questioning.

“I mean, when I found out that he was your son.” Miguel explained. “Like, if I’d cleared the air with him before, maybe apologized for what I did in the tournament – maybe things wouldn’t have gotten this messed up in the first place.”

Johnny hadn’t considered that before. He’d been so busy blaming himself and LaRusso for everything that he hadn’t realized that these kids had their own shit going on. Still, it was too far back in the past and Miguel shouldn’t have to feel guilty for that.

“I’m not sure about that.” Johnny mused. “You know Robby didn’t like you, right?”

“Because of the tournament.” Miguel nodded.

“No.” Johnny said. “I mean, that didn’t help, sure, but I think Robby was jealous of you. Not about the girl – though I’m sure that was part of it – but about me. We grew close, you know and I treated you like my own kid. I paid more attention to you than I ever did to him and I think he resented you for that.”

Miguel looked upset at that, but waited for Johnny to continue.

“Robby wasn’t exactly a saint, you know.” Johnny said, sadly. “I know you are only supposed to remember the good things about people, but Robby was far from perfect. The kid could really carry a grudge. I guess he learned that from me too. I know LaRusso was teaching him to be more forgiving but we both know it’s not that easy to let go. So I’m not sure if you trying to make things right would’ve made a difference.”

“That’s right, dad. Blame me. Put it all on me.” Robby looked heartbroken. “I’m always the one at fault, right? What does it matter? I’m already dead. Anything to make your precious Miguel feel better, huh?”

But Miguel didn’t look like he felt better. He looked quite disturbed.

“Sensei, you are not – you are not blaming Robby for all this, right?” He asked.

Johnny shook his head. “I’m telling you that it all comes back to me. Always. That’s where it all started and that’s where it all went wrong. My choices. My mistakes.”

Miguel started to say something, but Johnny cut him short.

“Don’t. Don’t try to say something to make me feel better, okay? This is the truth and I just have to learn how to live with it.” Johnny looked up, blinking back his tears. “I just haven’t figured out how. Where to go from here.”

Miguel nodded and Johnny could feel himself warm up a little. The kid understood him. Or atleast, he was trying to understand. He wasn’t spouting empty words just to make him feel better and that was more than what others even tried.

“Mom says that you have to try to find a way to move forward.” He said, uncertainly.

“You know what that’s code for, right?” Robby said, “Find a way to leave me behind.”

“People keep telling me the same thing.” Johnny replied. “But I don’t know what that means. I’m not going to move on from Robby.”

“Then carry him with you.” Miguel said. “I-I mean, think about what you wanted to do for him and do that for others. A lot of kids need you Sensei and if you could do for them what you wish you’d done for Robby, then that’s a way to keep him alive. Right?”

Johnny blinked. Maybe Miguel didn’t get it after all.

“How does any of that help Robby?”

He must have sounded crazy, he knew that. Robby was dead. He was beyond help now. And talking about him as if he was still alive didn’t do his sanity any favors.

“How do I explain this?” Johnny sighed, frustrated. “Listen, Miguel, I never gave Robby anything when he was alive. Not what he needed. Not what he wanted. Nothing. And I know it’s too late now, but I want to give him something he would’ve wanted. I feel like if I don’t do _something,_ if I don’t give him _something,_ he’ll never be at peace. I just don’t know what it is?”

Miguel thought about what Johnny said and Johnny wondered if this had been a mistake too. Miguel had always given him some clarity, but he was no closer to an answer. Maybe it was impossible after all.

“You could – maybe – give him… justice?” Miguel said, finally. “I mean, the guys who killed him don’t deserve to get away with it. So if there is a way to get justice for Robby…”

Johnny shook his head. Sure, Robby would probably want revenge, but that wasn’t up to him. LaRusso was already pushing hard for the investigation to yield results – “donating” whatever he had to to move things along. There was even a rumor about some guy who’d disappeared from prison the day after Robby’s death and LaRusso was sure that that had something to do with it. But after everything they’d been through – everything they’d learned, the idea of revenge just seemed wrong.

“I’m not talking about revenge, Sensei.” Miguel explained. “I’m not even talking about the law or punishing them. I’m talking about… actually, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.”

Johnny encouraged him to continue. It felt like Miguel was on to something here – something close to a breakthrough.

“It’s not about punishing anyone. It’s not even about them punishing themselves.” Miguel searched for words. “It’s more like wanting what happened to matter. For it to change something. Does that make sense?”

“No – maybe.” Johnny was still confused.

“It’s like…” Miguel took a deep breath, gathering his courage. “You know, after I woke up from the accident, nothing made me happy. Not even hearing about Robby’s arrest. It felt good for a bit, sure, but then I was back to being angry in no time.”

Johnny nodded for him to continue.

“Well, the one thing that did make me happy was hearing that Robby had taken the plea deal. That he wasn’t going to fight it.” Miguel said. “It’s like, I could feel that he was sorry for what he did. That it mattered to him. That he wasn’t just looking to move on and live his life as if nothing had happened. That he was willing to give something up to make up for it – even if it wouldn’t really fix anything. Does that make any sense?”

Johnny nodded again. It was making sense now.

“I guess if you could get those guys to feel the same way, maybe Robby would’ve appreciated that…” Miguel continued. “But I guess that’s impossible, right?”

Johnny could only stare at him. Talking to Miguel had been the right decision after all. The kid could always point him in the right direction. And the answer had been so simple. So obvious. It had been right under his nose all along and he had seen it. He’d just been to chicken-shit to admit it.

“Miguel, the guys who killed Robby don’t really matter.” Johnny explained. “I mean, if I ever find out who they are, I’m gonna rip them apart. And I won’t lose a night’s sleep over it. But they are just animals. They are never going to feel any guilt or remorse. I’m the one who needs to do that. I need to make sacrifices for Robby.”

Miguel nodded, uncomprehending. This wasn’t going to be easy, Johnny realized, not for anyone. But it was the right way forward and he was determined now.

“I put a lot of things ahead of Robby when he was alive. So, now, I need to give them up.” Johnny took a deep breath. “I’m shutting down Cobra Kai.”

“Wha- Sensei, no. That’s not what I meant.” Miguel looked panicked. “Robby wouldn’t want that.”

“You think so?” Johnny laughed. He was feeling light-headed now, as if a great burden had been lifted. He felt afraid too. This was going to be painful, he knew that. “You didn’t know him. I told you the kid could carry a grudge. And he always hated Cobra Kai. No -” Johnny nodded to himself, “He’d have wanted this.”

“B-but, Sensei…” Miguel took a deep breath. “Listen, there is something I haven’t told you. Kreese has been circling around ever since Robby died. He talked to Hawk and a couple of others about going back to him. Nobody’s falling for his bullshit but if you quit on us right now… Sensei, I don’t know if…”

He left the sentence hanging and Johnny thought about it. Once, that would’ve made his blood boil. Once that would’ve spurred him into action. But now it left him cold.

“That’s fine. It doesn’t matter.” Johnny shrugged. “Let him have them.”

“You don’t mean that.” Miguel pleaded. “Not after how hard you fought for it.”

Johnny shook his head, sadly. He’d been fighting for all the wrong things all this time. Miguel would get that. Eventually.

“But… you need to work.”

“I’ll find a job, don’t worry about that.” Johnny replied. “I can go back to doing what I did before the dojo. It’ll be miserable but, guess I deserve that too.”

“Don’t make any rash decisions, okay?” Miguel looked defeated, but he still had some fight left in him. He didn’t know that the final blow was yet to fall. “Just think about it for a bit. Sleep on it, maybe. And we can talk more later?”

Johnny shook his head. “You don’t get it Miguel. I’m giving up everything I put before Robby. That includes you.”

Miguel was stunned speechless. His mouth opened and closed. “What does that mean?” He choked out finally.

“It means I can’t talk to you anymore. It means I can’t be there for you anymore.” Johnny smiled sadly. “It means I’m not your sensei anymore. I put you first for a long time. Now I need to do that for Robby.”

“So what? You are not gonna talk to me? You are just gonna ignore me?” Miguel looked desperate. “You are just saying goodbye? Just like that?”

Johnny nodded. “Don’t worry about it too much. It’ll just go back to how it was before you met me. _Menudo_.”

“ _I don’t want to go back._ ” Miguel shouted. “Not after everything.”

Johnny gave him a last sad smile as he stood up and patted Miguel’s shoulder. “Listen, I know it seems tough now, but you’ll be okay. It’s just like you said. I have to give things up here to make Robby’s life matter. To make his death matter. This is the right way forward and we just have to learn to live with it. You’ll see.”

Johnny left Miguel stunned and heartbroken in the yard and headed back to his apartment. _Don’t do this,_ a voice screamed in the back of his head. _Not like this. You are doing it again. You are letting Miguel just like you did with Robby. You are letting them ALL down. You are failing these kids all over again._

Johnny shut the voice down. It didn’t make a difference. None of it did. Robby was finally smiling at him and that was all that mattered.

* * *

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the end. Really the end. This is the end of this story. I told you already this was going to have an unhappy ending. Should’ve paid attention.  
> Well, not exactly. This story does stand on its own and its meant to be read as such. But I do have a potential crossover continuation in mind which I might write depending on how much interest there is for it and how much time I have. So this is all for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay – so this chapter ended up being a lot longer than expected. I hope future ones would be shorter, but no less painful to read.


End file.
